NEW BEGINNINGS: PUERTO VALLARTA

I have never been one to have the best of luck when traveling, from as simple as twisting my ankle on the first day in Montreal, food poisoning in Cabo San Lucas, to a flesh eating foot infection in Rome. None the less it doesn't slow me down. I push forward through the pain, bandage what needs to be bandaged, and ibuprofen as needed. It was all part of the experience, right? I got out of the habit years ago of keeping a blog of my day-to-day and random life-hacks. My old blog was never directly related to travel specifically, but seemed to incorporate trips and outings around Portland quite often. There was always something that occurred that was worth adding a bit of humor to a few readers routine. I have thought about the blogging days and out of all those posts I think the rendition of our Puerto Vallarta trip from 2008 is probably my all time favorite. Catching a parasite, surviving, and finding humor in my "near death" experience. This was also one of those rare occurrences that I could not push through the pain and continue. I had to take a knee and there was no taking that next step without that small voice in my head, "you are not going to make it!":

August 2, 2008
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​Saturday, 4:00 am, we were running late as usual. Supposed to be out the door and on our way to the airport by now. Whoops! Our travels started as any other (well, maybe just being late and going to the airport to fly somewhere far away from Portland part). We had a 4-hour layover in Las Vegas then on our way to sweet Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. The hot sun, mid-day thunderstorms, deathly sweaty jaunts from one side of town to the other, and the food. OMG! the food. Mouth watering tacos and quesadillas.....like I've never tasted before. They melted in my mouth. "That's it! I'm eating here every night!"

Days passed. Clothes were becoming loose. Walking... sun... hot... sweaty... need water... thirsty... can't breathe... still walking...! There were ailments. Can't forget those. let's see where should I start. Weird rash on my legs after going in the ocean, a cut on my hand from a scary wooden bridge with a cyclone fence that was keeping pedestrians from falling to their death! Then, hell hit Thursday morning. The pain in my side was gut wrenching. It passed. Hour later, there it was again. What is that? I thought. Gawd, that hurts. On and off the day went on. Friday morning, 1:00am. OH SHIT! Yes, and that's exactly what I did. Wore a path in the hotel room tile floor going from bed, bathroom, bed, bathroom, bed, bathroom, bed, ....bed (false alarm)..... so thirsty. Need water. Rehan woke with a startle when his own posterior spoke at 8:30am. I giggled as I was sitting on the toilet, as I needed that momentary humor. Then suddenly mine spoke back and exploded. Rehan yelled, "you sunk my battle ship, you sunk my battle ship". (I know, I know...TMI. It was hilarious. Especially in my current state). He stirred out of bed, glanced at me, and quickly left to find a pharmacy where he proceeded to tell them my symptoms and received Mexican mystery drugs in return. I drank the electrolyte, took the mystery pills, and continued to be on the fastest diet EVER! Twenty-four hours had passed and I felt very weak. 

Saturday morning. Feeling a little more lively. I just might live. Stood up and my sides were on fire! Like somebody used my kidneys in a slugging match. BUT! I was determined. Had to get out of room. Last day in Puerto Vallarta and I wasn't going to spend it in bed. We ventured out to the flea market. Stopping every 10 minutes for pain to subside and constantly on search for nearest bathroom. Hours and hours of bartering, and ended up buying nothing. Shopping ended on the main street. Set prices. No hassle. In/out/done. Back to hotel and in severe pain. I needed to sit down for a while.

As much pain as I had been in I wasn't quite ready to travel back yet. There was so much I didn't get the chance to see, visit, experience. Unfortunately, with all most things in life, it was time for this adventure to come to an end. Sunday had arrived and we were due home. I was dreading the three hours to Vegas, layover, then three hours to PDX knowing that both flights would be a middle seat. The fear of continued issues and no way to escape hung over my head. Thankfully I made it, and best part, no accidents.

Monday finally came and I was able to go to the doctor. I had a parasite and I named it "wormy". Got home and discussed it with Rehan. Wormy needed to move out and got an eviction notice!

To add to the humor, Rehan wrote his own rendition of the trip. Without comparing notes or reading the other ones post, below was his version of the events that occurred those couple weeks. Same story, different perspective:

Back from trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. We made it back alive (I did but I think Kat left half of herself there, I will get to that later). Flight from Portland went without any problems, we had a 4 hour layover in Las Vegas which is a curse and a blessing because the place is a money sucking pit even if you don't gamble. Our flight got delayed about an hour or so (normal for when I travel) but no biggie.

It was raining when we landed in Puerto Vallarta and managed to get passed the immigration and 30,000 timeshare selling vultures at the airport without a hitch (mind you this is a first for me). The hotel that I booked was right on the main street next to the Malec'on. Malec'on is a boardwalk on the beach that stretches about 2 1/2 miles and has all sorts of vendors, clubs, shopping, entertainment etc. Every night the place is packed with locals and travelers alike. The hotel truly represented the old rustic charm of Mexico, the room was small, the bed was hard but who is complaining? its Mexico. I did not want to do the touristy stuff and stay in all inclusive hotel but enjoy the culture of Mexico and this place suited us for that reason. After unpacking, we headed to get some food and decided to go for some authentic food. Since it has just rained, the cobbled streets looked clean and right out of a movie set. There were many restaurants along the way but we wanted some street food and stopped at a taco stand, with our limited Spanish (lets say uno Quesadilla.. yummmm delicious, uno more por favor) we were able to get some food. Sitting on small bar stools with other locals, watching our food being made was a unique experience. The plates were covered with plastic wrappers so they would not have to wash the them but simply replace the wrap with a new one for the next customer. Not truly sanitary but oh well, you can buy antibiotics over the counter. The food was amazing and we are not talking about Mexican food that is served in most restaurants over here or taco bell.

Instead of resting, we decided to have pre going out cocktails (meaning shots of Vodka). Decided to head out and walk around with tons of people on the Malec'on and ended up at an all you can drink (gotcha you tourist suckers) joint for $40 each. Since we were already lit, the dead brain cells did not bother to communicate to the logical side that this may not be a good idea… but ARRRRRRRRRRR I'm a pirate attitude dragged us into a large hall with our 1 1/2 feet tall drink cups. After a few more drinks, some dancing, watching some stupid Americans making fools out of themselves, thought that maybe we should leave. BUT NO… ARRRRRRR I'M A PIRATE devil on my shoulder stumbled me towards the bar to get more drinks. I go to the dance floor, head back and see Kat next to a pillar swaying like a tree in a hurricane. I stop, and hide from her so I can go behind but by the time I get there (30 secs in drunken time), she is nowhere to be found… hmmmm pirate whach ya think.. maybe she went to the bathroom, 20 mins go by, no site of the pale American chick. I go outside. Nope not there either. 40 mins pass by and the drunken sailor is worried. 1 hour. Holy sh!t, I have the key and the money, hope she is OK and went back to the hotel, but does she know how to get back? I am sweating by this time and not from the humidity. No maybe I should wait. No, let's start walking. I get to the hotel room and lord behold, I see two huge b00bs sitting in front of the room… AAAHHHHHHH. Now I am on a mission to get some food, walk outside and with a block of the hotel, I get stopped by guy, "Hey Amigo, want some Yahyo?", "What? ","Want some marijuana?" I looked at the guy and said, "Do I look like someone who would smoke pot or do drugs?" Without hesitation he replies, "Yes". WTF!!! This always happens to me.

For next week or so we walked about 10 to 15 miles per day on average. Went to a restaurant only twice and had street food rest of the time. Crossing the street was always a challenge, the psycho buses, neurotic cab drivers, fearless teenage motorcycle riders had no concept of stopping for pedestrians. I think they forgot to tell them during driving test that pedestrians have right of way, maybe that was an optional question, who knows. I felt like I was in DEATH RACE 2000. I was spoken to in Spanish may times and when I did not respond, I would hear "No speak Spanish"? I guess I am a social chameleon, I can pass for Indian, Middle Eastern, Iranian, Mexican. Heck someone once asked me if I was Korean!!! (talk about being stupid or being on drugs). Maybe in Thailand I could be a Thai local with the height advantage.

Kat almost had a heat stroke one of the days (damn weakling) but managed to barely keep up with an old fart like me. Can't really blame her, she is from the couve and they are not accustomed to walking much. That is why they all drive big trucks. She had a few other ailments, let's see where should I start from, hmmmmm... weird rash on the legs from going in the ocean (probably allergic to salt water), tears while crossing a wooden bridge because it was swaying, Kat and I ate almost the same food but she ended up having some major stomach issues Thursday night. Lets say that we did not leave the hotel room on Friday and Kat lost about 10 pounds in a day. Screw all the diet plans, I call this Mexican cleansing diet. Lose 10 pounds in a night, guaranteed. And when we got back to the states, she had to go to the doctor and found out that she had some sort of a parasite from the food or water or something.

Now, people in general always tell me that I put on too much cologne and I always say that it is better to stink good than bad. Case and point, on the way back Kat and I were seated together. She sat in the middle and myself had the window seat. Prior to boarding, I was thinking that I would let her switch seats but the aisle seat was taken by a gentleman who did not believe in personal hygiene. I don't think that the word hygiene was in his dictionary. Fuck, when I got close to the seat, there was a black mushroom cloud between row 7 and 9, guess what? we were in row 8. How could you not know that you smell like poo poo kaka. Heck no I am not switching the seat. Kat had tears in her eye, I guess when the nose gives up, next in line are the eye balls. She would smell my over cologned shirt to relieve some of the pain from time to time. From now on, she would never complain about my over powering habit of excessive cologne bathing. She has learned her lesson my friends.

Still it was a fun and relaxing trip to say the least. Now, on to planning the next trip to Thailand!!!!!

Capt. R

After all things said and done I obviously survived that glorious trip I called a "fast acting diet". It has been over nine years and we still talk about this trip, the events that unravelled during and after, and "wormy". Most of all, we have been back to Puerto Vallarta twice since then and have not had an issue. Puerto Vallarta is a beautiful city and has a lot to offer. They have updated the city to make it more tourist friendly, but they kept that old charm I fell in love with it back in 2008. The taco stands are still there, even with plastic over the plates, the nightclubs have changed, but thats to be expected, and the Malec'on has the same statues and photo-ops as before, if not even more now. The city is sweltering hot during the day, but comes to life with lights and color at night. I look forward to visiting there again. Each time, bringing a whole new adventure.